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    A funny story I read on /b/ (4chan)

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    DarkZX
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    Birthday : 1993-04-09
    Age : 25
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    A funny story I read on /b/ (4chan)

    Post by DarkZX on Wed Nov 23, 2011 10:12 pm

    My grandson recently asked me what the Great Internet War was like, as we was born after the final shots were fired, I told him that what I had seen was far from suitable for a child to hear.

    But here, I will share some stories and for those of you who fought or simply lived during those times, I urge to share your experiences of the GIW as well.

    I was stationed in /k/ when the first rumblings of battle were heard, stories slowly emerged that Facebook were forcibly attempting to gain control of Yahoo, one of the more powerful nations of the internet, our leader, M00t, was deeply troubled by this, and weapon production in /k/ became more focused and intense, after seven months of tough work, newt gingrich had declared activity in the battle as it became apparent that Zuckerberg, ruler of Facebook, had intentions of controlling the entire internet, whilst it would be a long stretch for Facebook to attack newt gingrich's murky corner of the internet, a great fear grew among the boards as we knew that we would soon be shipping out to directly partake in the war...

    M00t made his first announcements from newt gingrich’s capital of /b/, stating that 47,000 anons were shipping out our allies in Encyclopedia Dramatica to defend the nation that was directly threatened by Zuckerberg’s forces, it was vital for us to protect ED, as it was a key contributor to newt gingrich and a powerful stronghold for us. I was among the 47,000 sent to ED and the mandatory draft had not yet been established.

    On the 23rd of June, at approximately 3:00pm, we locked horns with the army of Facebook for the first time, my company were out on a routine patrol, looking for remaining civilians, when we heard the roar of engines not far above, we sought cover in a nearby church as the entire district crumbled around us, I was not a religious man, but I can tell you that I prayed in that church.

    When the dust settled, some 40 minutes after the initial bombing, the first wave of soldiers entered the main page of Encyclopedia Dramatica, the size of the army was immense, at least 55,000 strong, their soldiers clothed in blue, not particularly well protected, but they were armed to the teeth, machine guns, grenade launchers, some even carried flamethrowers.

    I hid behind an old stone memorial and picked off soldiers with my shoddily built rifle, I had racked up 7 kills to my name by the time we were forced to retreat, ED was lost in a single day, it was a dark image for the future of the internet and more importantly, newt gingrich.

    After the loss in ED, I remember the media uproar, calling our soldiers cowards for retreating in ED, but they didn’t even have the faintest idea what we saw there, many of those I had came to be friends with had fallen, they were all brave and noble men, they were not cowards.

    After our first contact with the enemy, it became apparent that we would not be able to hold off the invasion, which was still a long way off, but felt like it was just around the corner. Because of this, the mandatory draft was implemented, anyone over the age of 18 that was fit to fight, was to begin training as a soldier, with help of the info threads of /k/, we were able to build weapons for ourselves using limited supplies, resourcefulness would not win the inevitable battle however.

    News arrived that Google had declared war against Facebook and we had gained many new allies from the great regions of Google+, Gmail and YouTube. Our army now had 2.3 million men prepared for conflict to join, the 19 million of Google, but Facebook's numbers still dwarfed our own, and intelligence reports confirmed that some 54 million soldiers were marching towards Google.

    The atrocities we commited in the name of science and war were horrendous. Hundreds of sites brutally destroyed for our testing. I wanted no part of it, but when I tried to leave, they threatened me with death. We tested it on our own brothers, 12chan for Christ sakes! There was nothing I could! Every night I go sleep, and I see the replies of the users of the sites we tested on. I will never forget.

    We had learned that whilst moving towards Google, Facebook had also gained more allies from Ebaumsworld and Last.fm, the evil Mark Zuckerberg had tricked them into believing that they might have been spared from the growing lands of Facebook, but both would eventually be claimed regardless of affiliation.

    It was in the fields of Google+ when I next saw conflict, the population of the place was still rising with speed before the war, but it was still empty, and consequently, snipers posed a constant threat, I had befriended a soldier from /x/ during the time we spent waiting for the forces of Facebook to approach, I have long since forgotten his real name in my old age, but I do know that most of us just called him "Slender". We shared common ground in that we had both left our pregnant wives in our home boards whilst we left to fight. Slender became the eyes in the back of my head, and I became the same for him.

    Slender was one of the first casualties of the battle of Google.

    After retreating from ED, what was left of my company moved on to the next site in Zuckerberg's eyes, Amazon. This site, we could not lose. But we knew the armies of Facebook were close on our tails, we came to the abandoned Amazon. While searching for anyone we could find, we met with the armies of Youtube who were in Amazon because Facebook had already taken control of Youtube. This meant that there were two of Zuckerberg's forces on their way. The following battle resulted in mass casualties. I cannot even describe what I saw that day. A few of my fellow soldiers and I snuck out of the city under the cover of night and called for an evac back to newt gingrich. While our evac was landing, it was ambushed and we had to run to the misty forests of Tumblr. We knew we could not get an evac, so we had to make our own journey back to newt gingrich. During this walk, 2 soldiers died (There were about 10 of us, now Cool. When we finally reached the safe haven of newt gingrich, what we saw was horrible. Facebook had sent a small army of 20,00 or so to scout and injure newt gingrich. Some buildings had fallen, there was rubble in the streets and men transporting dead and wounded around. All I could think was at least they did not prevail. Although they had delt us a blow, we knew we had to go on the offensi

    /b/ros I was honorably discharged after the battle for Amazon. A piece of shrapnel tore right through my tendon and ruined my left leg- I couldn't go on. I remember the ride back home, to my wife and kids on my home, just outside of my homeboard /k/.

    I remember the nightmares I still fight with every waking night. I feel the weight of their deaths burdening my torn leg every time I step. Sometimes I feel like I should of stayed there with em'. I still remember, the joy I felt, when /k/ called in... "Its finally over," they said. I collapsed right there next to my wife, on the kitchen floor.


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